A letter to Mark

Dear Mark,

I know that the past few months have not been easy for you. I know that you had your dream girl for the last 17 (yes, 17!) years, and she was me. And now, all of a sudden, I’m telling you that I’m different. And I am different.

It’s funny that you’d compare me to a 16-year-old. I was probably about 16 when I began to shut myself down sexually. At 16, I kissed a boy and let him feel me up. I even let him see me (half) naked. It was at my house while my mom was out. It was totally hot, especially because she never found out.

I wanted that boy to fuck me, but I was too good to ask. Too good to even let him know that I was willing. I’m not sure that I ever said no, but I had already erected invisible walls. He could sense them.

When you and I got together, I was ready. More than ready. I practically begged you to fuck me. I would have done anything you asked — anything. And I did, didn’t I? You wanted me to be perfect for you. You wanted a girl who had no one but you as comparison, and you wanted her to have only you in her mind.

I did it, gladly, for you. Not so much because it’s truly what makes me the hottest, but because it made you hot. Because really, isn’t the best sex with someone who is burning up for you?

I wanted to fulfill your every desire, so I did. I never stopped to ask myself what I liked, or what else I wanted to experience. I didn’t think that those were questions that I was allowed to ask.

Earlier this year, I began a search. In name, the search was to find something to make me even more sexy to you. In reality, the search dumped a ton of questions in my lap. It led me on a wild goose chase for answers and it got me into a lot of hot water. The search took me back to age sixteen, and it jumped me forward like a time traveler to a time where I get what I want and what I want is so hot to you. It’s a time where I am sexier than I have ever been, because I have answered all of my own questions. I know myself.

Knowledge is sexy, Mark, it really is. And in case you are worried or are not sure, you are right there with me in the future, Mark. And? It’s gonna be fun.

Oh, and about the question of open marriage. When you tell me that it turns you off, makes you uncomfortable, freaks you out? I hear that. If you don’t want it, I’m not forcing it on you. I’ve set it aside. So, what am I after if it’s not opening our marriage? It’s us being a lot less Married. And a lot more together. In reality.

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