I’m okay

But it’s not good.

See, I was planning a trip. I didn’t get very far. I did not buy plane tickets, did not make hotel reservations. But I wanted to.

I ran it by Mark yesterday morning. I told him I wanted to visit family (true). I did not mention that I wanted to meet a Twitter friend in actual, three-dimensional reality (also true).

Somehow, Mark had a sixth sense. He knows me. He knows that I have a tenuous-at-best relationship with my family. He knows that I don’t schedule visits of my own accord, ever. So he checked around. Read my email? Read my Twitter feed? Read whatever he could find until he had some proof.

Listen, I love Mark. I want to be with him. Without him, all of these other questions that I have about myself and my sexuality are meaningless. Today is our anniversary, and I’d like to make it to celebrate another one. So I’m giving Mark a gift. I’ve shut my Twitter account. I’m going to take a break from being Jenna. I’m only going to be me.

I just can’t do both at once.

4 comments

  1. Mark says:

    Something that has been gnawing at me since late last night is whether I’ve been enabling this.

    There is, it seems to me, a cliff in front of us. Maybe it’s a three foot drop, or maybe it’s three thousand – just how far we couldn’t really know until we got close. Over the last month I watched you take two steps forward, (mostly) supporting you in the journey. Then, suddenly, something happens, and you take a step back. Including this week, it’s happened at least four times. Except last night, I felt myself looking down over the edge. Perhaps it was three hundred feet instead of three thousand, but at that height, at that perspective, that detail didn’t seem to matter.

    Each time, just before taking that step back, we’ve talked about separation. Each time the consensus was that you were missing something, but in the end we were better together than apart. Each time we’ve continued on together, both acutely aware that nothing had been resolved, but that at least for the moment, things were ok.

    I’m glad you decided to take a break from being Jenna. While I do like the sexy, flirty, dirty Jenna (when she’s directing it at me), I love and adore the Jenna who is exclusively mine so much more. If you want me to dominate and you to submit in bed, perhaps we should start again right now with you submitting yourself to me. Let me decide your needs, let me direct your desire, your sexual attraction, your partners, your fate. At the heart of BSDM is a trust in your partner so deeply that you will let them do anything to you, knowing that they will never truly hurt you. So, trust me.

    I hope that this break is not like the other breaks that have happened along the way, that it’s not just an attempt to make things better for a while, but is truly about changing both of us. I hope you will stop trying to protect me from the truth so that I can trust you. I hope that you consciously choose, if not desire, to continue to let Jenna’s life live in the past and join me in our future together.

    I don’t want to enable this dynamic we’ve had anymore. I have looked over the cliff, and I cannot hold your hand while you step off it. But trust me, submit to me, let me decide when to pull you so that we experience that step together.

  2. theDevilIndeed says:

    The dungeon will be a quieter and darker place without Jenna but I understand the reasons why. Good luck and hope it works out for you.

  3. Buddha says:

    I suspect you’ll be back. I’ve tried doing the same thing… walking away and shuttering accounts. There’s a reason we post… be it to a blog or Twitter. I think it’s part of who we are, what we like… what we want. I don’t think the answer is to completely shut these things out. It’s not a fair request. Balance is key. Just as we’re always preaching a “work/life balance”, we need to practice an “online/offline balance”, as well. Mark needs to come first, absolutely. You need to make time for each other, be a couple. You also need to embrace “Jenna”, though… be an individual apart from Mark. My two cents.

  4. Buddha says:

    Oh… a word about Twitter. Make “Buffer” your friend (link below). I’m rarely on Twitter for that same reason… it’s just so unhealthy to post every waking thought (as many do). I think these “relationships” people have with a total stranger on the Web are interesting. I see folks going back/forth all day, but they have no idea who the other person even is – their name, what they’re really like outside of Twitter/an online persona. It’s fun to engage here and there – to expand our social circle, but (per Mark’s point)… it’s more important to engage those around you in the real world – our lovers, friends, neighbors. Don’t let Twitter become an escape from reality, no… but no need to run away.

    https://bufferapp.com