More about me and Mark

I realize that I haven’t given you any background on my marriage. Mark and I met when we were little kids. We were family friends until he moved away, and we reunited in college. We started dating when we were 19 and we’ve been together ever since. He was my first, I wasn’t his.

Our sex life has been physically good for me but rule-bound. Mark has intermittent erection problems, and until a few months ago, we didn’t talk about sex. At all. Why we didn’t is a subject for another post.

If in my last post, I gave the impression that I am not fulfilled in my life, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Luckily, I am fulfilled in many ways. Most of those ways — as a mother, a friend, a wife — don’t fit in with my sexy persona here. That doesn’t mean that those other roles are not important and beneficial in and of their own rights. But what I’m questioning here, what I’m exploring, is my own sexuality, apart from any relationship. In that corner of my life, I am unfulfilled. I am still seeking something. I want to know myself as a sexual being.

When I first started dating Mark, when we started having sex, I was nervous. I followed his lead. I suspect that he was nervous too, or picked up on my anxiety. Our sexual universe quickly shrunk and it stayed that way. Suddenly I find myself wanting to know what I like, what I don’t, how certain things make me feel. Some of those things Mark has tried with me. Some of them, like sex with other people, he’s not willing to try and not willing to let me try. He has a lot of good reasons. But like most things, not being able to have something makes me want it all the more.

As a thoughtful reader so kindly commented, I have a way with words. I enjoy writing, and I hope that my blogging leads me to a creative writing job. But for me, I want experience before I write. Writing is not a substitute for experience for me. If it were the other way around, my predicament would be so much simpler. But it isn’t.

 

2 comments

  1. tum286 says:

    hey Jenna, These things can get complicated. If you browse around my wife’s blog and mine you’ll see plenty complicated. I’m not a total Freudian, but sexuality is a prime mover of human behaviour. Talking about it is good, as is writing. Understanding that you’re not alone and not a freak is important too. I find reading about it helps. Here’s a link you might find helpful –

    http://www.3quarksdaily.com/3quarksdaily/2013/07/the-myth-buster.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+3quarksdaily+%283quarksdaily%29

    The only advice I’d add is marriage and monogamy can work really well, just try not to let stress creep in. Remember it’s meant to be fun.

    Oh, and careful on the internet. It’s not just nice people on line…

    • Jenna says:

      Thanks so much for the thoughtful comments. I read the article and it was very interesting. I completely agree that sex is a huge motivator, for me and in general.

      I am definitely trying to incorporate fun into our lives, both in sex and elsewhere. Blogging does actually help with that, although it might not always show here.

      And thanks, I know to be careful.