On girls

I’ve been thinking about girls a lot lately. It actively started last winter when I admitted to Mark that I’d be into trying sex with a girl. (He was neutral-cool on that idea.)

In any case, the thought has persisted. I want girl-energy. A few weeks ago, I read from Leah’s blog. A little before that, I sought girls to flirt with on Twitter. Last week, I got a tweet from a girl. From her avatar, she looked hot. She told me that she was still in bed. At 10 a.m. my time. And embarrassingly I was completely lost.

I have no idea how to be sexy with a girl. It’s a complete mystery to me. What’s worse, I can’t even tell if I’m attracted to a girl using any electronic methods. Sure, I can look at a photograph and tell if she’s pretty or not, or if she has a hot body, but I can’t tell if I’d like to touch her. Or if she’d like to touch me. It’s weird, but I need tangible reality to tell that.

Without real-life experience, girls intimidate me. It’s funny, since I am a girl. I have lots of girl friends. I’m not intimidated by them at all. I can always think of something to say. But when you throw the possibility of sex into the mix, I get lost. There are no roles, no rules. And that scares me a little.

But I wish it were different. I wish I could satisfy my curiosity electronically. It would make me happy to flirt with a girl. I wish I could look at a photo of a girl and notice something other than the comparison checklist between her body and mine. I know it could be possible, but for me there’s more to it than appearances. I need to hear her voice, I need to make her laugh. I need her to tell me something interesting. I need to feel her energy. Mostly I need to know if she likes me. Then I’ll be able to tell if it’s going to work.

It’s definitely complicated.

3 comments

  1. Mark says:

    “girls intimidate me”

    Yet one more thing we have in common. Actually, probably something *most* guys have in common with you.

    Apologies in advance but I’m going to generalize quite a bit by saying I think this is true because women are harder to read. With most guys, (a) it’s pretty obvious if they are interested in you, and (b) if they are a guy, and you are an attractive woman, then they pretty likely ARE… at least enough to want to flirt with you, and quite possibly willing to go further, especially if you make the move. And that makes it easier to flirt, because you know you’re at least going to get a positive reaction.

    With women, however, it is REALLY hard to tell if they are interested, or just flirting, or are only being friendly. And unlike most guys, if a woman *is* being flirty, that in no way implies that she really is interested in, or willing to be, anything but a flirt. In my entire life I can count on one finger the number of women who were so forward with me to be sure. And yet I’ve lost count of the number of friendly girls who “didn’t mean to give me the wrong idea.”

    As the saying goes, women think (love?) with their hearts and (more to the point) guys with their cocks. And I think the fact that you can’t tell from the photo you posted that you would (should) want to grab that girl by her hips and bury your face in her tits just proves that point, because that’s precisely what I think when I look at that photo. When I look at it I don’t give a fuck about her voice or whether she’s interesting, only that I would pour champagne down her tits and lick it off her abs.

    And as far as being neural-cool on it, it’s complicated, and my feelings waver a bit depending on whether it’s a guy or a girl, whether or not I’m there, etc. We’ve been through it before, but the fear of what sexual experiences outside our marriage entail – the risk of diseases, pregnancy (if involving a guy), hurt feelings, resentment, and potential emotional entanglements all around, among some other things I don’t want to get into here – are largely why I’m personally cool to the idea all around.

    Sex is a (fun) part of life, but there are so many things I am fortunate to have and am thankful for that when I weigh the risk of destroying them I can’t rationalize it. Then again, I’ve learned recently that if it’s something you really want, there’s little point in me fighting it, because all my arguments are rationalized with the counter-argument that I don’t own your body/mind/sexuality/etc when you do what you want anyway.

  2. Jenna says:

    Thanks for this thoughtful response, Mark.

    “When I look at it I don’t give a fuck about her voice or whether she’s interesting, only that I would pour champagne down her tits and lick it off her abs.” –Really? Champagne? You’ve never done anything vaguely like this with me.

  3. Mark says:

    Practically speaking it seems very messy, but in a photo fantasy it seems about right.

    Also, I don’t know her, so licking her belly button without a reason would just be weird. 😉