I have something to admit.

I am hard to handle. High maintenance.

It’s true.

It’s funny, because in real life, in my true identity, I’m super low maintenance. I never argue, never get in anyone’s face. I’m helpful and not overly emotional. People trust me. They tell me their problems and their fears, and I reassure them. I never bring my own feelings into it. They always stay put away inside me, and I certainly never push them onto others.

But here, in the attic, I’m letting myself I want what I want. Up here, I feel what I feel. Sometimes I’m grumpy and negative. I’m confusing and a mess. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. I’m not apologizing for it. I’m going to show you. I’m going to talk about it.

Last week, twice, Mark gave me what I asked for. And each time, I didn’t like it, or at least I was ambivalent about it. Once he fucked my face, just as I had asked. And while it was happening, I hated it. I felt used. Afterwards, right away, I liked it. I did a complete 180. On Friday, I messed with him on purpose. He asked me to wear my yellow skirt to dinner, and I told him I would. Then, at the last minute, I changed. I have no idea why I did that, or why I was a little disappointed that he wasn’t upset.

I don’t have any good answers. I realize that some of my behaviors are fucked up and immature — I can’t excuse myself. I’m trying to stay honest. I’m trying different things, and I’m reacting to them. It’s interesting and difficult. I’ll tell you when I like something, and I will be straight with you when I don’t.

If you don’t like it, you don’t have to keep reading. And if you notice some of my fucked-up behavior? Go ahead, call me out on it. I want you to.

Oh yeah, and the girl in the video is really hot. She reminds me of a friend.




  1. S says:

    I have an idea why you were disappointed when Mark wasn’t upset about the skirt. In order to be submissive, you need him to be dominant. You need him to want to control you.