I’ve been thinking about girls a lot lately. It actively started last winter when I admitted to Mark that I’d be into trying sex with a girl. (He was neutral-cool on that idea.)
In any case, the thought has persisted. I want girl-energy. A few weeks ago, I read from Leah’s blog. A little before that, I sought girls to flirt with on Twitter. Last week, I got a tweet from a girl. From her avatar, she looked hot. She told me that she was still in bed. At 10 a.m. my time. And embarrassingly I was completely lost.
I have no idea how to be sexy with a girl. It’s a complete mystery to me. What’s worse, I can’t even tell if I’m attracted to a girl using any electronic methods. Sure, I can look at a photograph and tell if she’s pretty or not, or if she has a hot body, but I can’t tell if I’d like to touch her. Or if she’d like to touch me. It’s weird, but I need tangible reality to tell that.
Without real-life experience, girls intimidate me. It’s funny, since I am a girl. I have lots of girl friends. I’m not intimidated by them at all. I can always think of something to say. But when you throw the possibility of sex into the mix, I get lost. There are no roles, no rules. And that scares me a little.
But I wish it were different. I wish I could satisfy my curiosity electronically. It would make me happy to flirt with a girl. I wish I could look at a photo of a girl and notice something other than the comparison checklist between her body and mine. I know it could be possible, but for me there’s more to it than appearances. I need to hear her voice, I need to make her laugh. I need her to tell me something interesting. I need to feel her energy. Mostly I need to know if she likes me. Then I’ll be able to tell if it’s going to work.
It’s definitely complicated.