I had another nightmare this morning.
I dreamed that I visited Mark at work, alone. For some reason, we had a meeting with a coworker of his. In the dream she was not the real Jenna, but another woman, a gorgeous woman. She was way prettier than me.
In the dream, I turned my back for a moment, or stepped outside the office for some reason. I was only gone for a second. When I returned, he was kissing her. She smiled when he stopped. Then they saw me watching.
At this point, Mark disappeared from the dream. All of a sudden, I was alone with the beautiful woman. She apologized profusely. I could tell that she felt really bad.
I felt bad too. I couldn’t tell much about their relationship. Were they having an affair? She didn’t tell me. I think that I told her that she was beautiful. I asked her if I could kiss her too. She declined.
Seeing Mark kiss another woman, a woman more beautiful than me, filled me with jealousy. I woke up with the most profound feeling of sadness, so deep that it made the dream feel real. Again, I clung to Mark needing to be held. But I felt something else, too. It wasn’t just extreme jealousy, but also happiness. I have no idea why.
I had an awful nightmare a few nights ago.
Let me back up for a minute. I just finished reading Jung to Live By, by Eugene Pascal. It’s a guide to the theories of Carl Jung. Jungian psychology is enlightening, and if you are not familiar with it, I recommend the book. If you have studied Jung, then you know that he believed that dreams are valuable windows into our psyches.
Jung actually advised against dream interpretation, so perhaps I’m way off base here. It’s also more than likely that my dream arose not out of my psychic unconscious, but rather from watching too many episodes of Breaking Bad. It’s possible.
So, in the dream Mark was trying to bomb the nursery wing of a hospital. And I was helping him. No, I had to help him. He couldn’t do it without me. There were certain things that were my responsibility. I remember hiding evidence in a backpack. I did not want any part of it. Somehow I felt responsible for making him want to bomb the nursery, and I also hated him for doing it. I knew that we would be caught, and that whatever his reason for doing it, the outcome wouldn’t be worth it.
I know that Mark would never bomb anything, let alone a hospital nursery. But that dream shook me deeply. I awoke shaking, scared, and needing to be held. For days since, the dream has returned to me dark and strangely meaningful.
Jung taught that we all have a dark, shadow side. Some of us accept that part of ourselves. Some of us hide it. Some of us never know it at all.